Here’s the thing…

Sometimes… I feel like I’m so unheard that I have to scream from the top of a mountain. Am I really unheard? Probably not… so why do I feel like this?

Sometimes… I feel like I have to work a million times harder to get people to like me, to stick around. In reality, who likes someone who tries too hard? It reeks of desperation, a desperation I DON’T want to smell like. So why do I do it?

Sometimes… I feel like I work really hard for almost no result. Blood, sweat, and tears… for what? Do I feel better? I have no idea… and I know that’s not the right answer.

Sometimes… I feel like my working to better myself is pointless considering how I view the world and most of its people. Why do I need to better myself when no one else cares? They don’t care about me, they don’t care about others, they don’t care about themselves. Rush rush rush, the next big thing, fuck people, what can I get from you… this is what I hear. Is that reality? I don’t know, I certainly hope not.

Sometimes… I feel like it’s impossible to find oneself since we’re ever-changing beasts.

Sometimes… I feel like I have to end really depressing blogs or poems with something uplifting to keep people feeling hopeful, to make myself feel hopeful. It genuinely flows naturally sometimes… other times, it’s forced, a smile through a frown… a laugh through a tear.

Sometimes… I feel like nothing ever really changes in this ever-changing world, within this ever-changing beast. The details may change, the circumstances may alternate… but have I been changed? Am I still the stupid kid who craves love, even from the bullies? Am I still the daughter who’s frightened of her own mother? Am I still the little sister who cringes when her brother walks into the room?

Sometimes… I feel like I’m so damaged that pieces are actually missing. I can’t be put back together because holes will always remain.

Sometimes… I feel like I crave admiration but despise the moments it’s expressed.

Here’s the thing…

I feel like I’m still discovering myself… learning more and more every day, every moment. I keep landing in situations that have me doubting myself; my intelligence, my maturity (oooh, that’s a big one), my very nature. I sometimes feel like giving up, not ending life, but just giving up living. Thankfully, I have people in my life helping me avoid those feelings, helping me destroy those feelings. It is a journey, life, and no I haven’t quite figured myself out yet, but as Joni Mitchell said, “I don’t know who I am, but life is for learning.”

finding-yourself2

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33 thoughts on “Here’s the thing…

  1. I personally respect those who try hard. It reveals their passions, their drive, their commitment.

    And only egotists think they’re perfect already so i think the normal ones like u and i are kinda too hard on ourselves, but it keeps us humble and better that than being arrogant shitheads. 🙂

    But as for our blogs being too negative or depressing…well, i have to admit that i am kinda selfish on my blog and write whatever i please. no one is forced to like my scribbles of blah..and they are not expected to. i write for my own therapy so you enjoy your blog, too. You have your own space here and must enjoy ranting or raving on whatever your sweet heart desires. 🙂

    Craving admiration and then despise it.?? woah! that is strange! Like you dont feel you are worthy of it? I am concerned about you. If admiration is genuine then one should relish it and be thankful and gracious in receiving. If it is fake, then by all means reject it.

    Yeah, i hate it that siblings still have so much power over me. but, actually i am gonna get them out of my life as soon as i can and then their power is gone…but only until my mom is gone. who knows, i might go before her. Gotta put up with the bad apples in our life, unfortunately.

    I never thought of myself as a changing person…but i guess i am …very slowly i have changed…but in good ways and I am pleased with the changes. Now if i could only stand up to mean people …but nah, better not risk getting my butt kicked! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • “Craving admiration and then despise it.?? woah! that is strange! Like you dont feel you are worthy of it?”
      – Yes, it’s definitely a low self-worth thing… I’m always working on it, and some days are better than others, but it is still something I struggle with a lot.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You begin each observation of yourself with ‘sometimes’, so I feel you’re not delusional or paranoid. Yo are expressing real, maybe even universal emotions. I know I can identify with a lot of what you say. You are very brave to expose yourself this way. In sharing these feelings, you show others that they are not alone. Support from family and friends is important with what you face, the fact that you’re aware of yourself goes a long way in coming out on the other side. I also want to acknowledge that you do an excellent job when it comes to getting your message across.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Like seriously, I just think it’s Ok to fold your hands and just watch things change instead of forcing change. It’s just that it’s quite difficult to do. Great great post, so timely. I love this.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I constantly seek self improvement as well, but it has nothing to do with wanting others to like or respect me. I have the respect I need from my wife and daughter and a handful of close friends. Coworkers and everyone else, they’re only temporary. Their opinions don’t mean anything to me and I don’t feel obligated to fulfill the demands they place on me.

    The reason I constantly look for ways to make myself better is for me. It’s my theory that we are essentially dead the moment we become complacent. The rest is biology catching up to the spirit. So, as I am not ready to give up life, I look for ways to improve myself.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you for sharing. It’s pretty awesome to have people in your life journey as you discover who you are… which can be fun 🙂 I did a kudos to my parents recently so I can relate to a lot of this. Wonderfully expressed.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Sometimes I feel….that I´m me, I can course correct certain things but overall I´m who I am and who doesn´t like it, well fuck´em. (excuse my French) So I just don´t torture myself too much, quite little really, it´s just pointless to torture oneself thinking what others might think.
    Glad you stumbled upon my crazy little blog, you do have some interesting thoughts. I´ll be doing what I have coined “my cool stalker moves” as humanly as I can.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. If someone dislikes me it’s their loss, not mine.
    Why try to please someone who demands to be pleased?
    For they will always want and will never give.

    To say no is the test, it’s simple enough.
    “Get me a drink” they demand, and watch their reaction at “NO”.
    If someone smiles and gets it them self, it might show a giver and not a sloth.
    If someone looks blank then angry at your refusal,
    That shows a taker thus someone to dump.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Your thoughts and feelings are universal. It is a simple thing. Everyone just wants to be loved. If you do not find that love in your surroundings, then practice loving yourself. It is ok to be you, just as you are. Thanks for reading my poem today.

    Liked by 1 person

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