Sometimes… I feel like I’m so unheard that I have to scream from the top of a mountain. Am I really unheard? Probably not… so why do I feel like this?
Sometimes… I feel like I have to work a million times harder to get people to like me, to stick around. In reality, who likes someone who tries too hard? It reeks of desperation, a desperation I DON’T want to smell like. So why do I do it?
Sometimes… I feel like I work really hard for almost no result. Blood, sweat, and tears… for what? Do I feel better? I have no idea… and I know that’s not the right answer.
Sometimes… I feel like my working to better myself is pointless considering how I view the world and most of its people. Why do I need to better myself when no one else cares? They don’t care about me, they don’t care about others, they don’t care about themselves. Rush rush rush, the next big thing, fuck people, what can I get from you… this is what I hear. Is that reality? I don’t know, I certainly hope not.
Sometimes… I feel like it’s impossible to find oneself since we’re ever-changing beasts.
Sometimes… I feel like I have to end really depressing blogs or poems with something uplifting to keep people feeling hopeful, to make myself feel hopeful. It genuinely flows naturally sometimes… other times, it’s forced, a smile through a frown… a laugh through a tear.
Sometimes… I feel like nothing ever really changes in this ever-changing world, within this ever-changing beast. The details may change, the circumstances may alternate… but have I been changed? Am I still the stupid kid who craves love, even from the bullies? Am I still the daughter who’s frightened of her own mother? Am I still the little sister who cringes when her brother walks into the room?
Sometimes… I feel like I’m so damaged that pieces are actually missing. I can’t be put back together because holes will always remain.
Sometimes… I feel like I crave admiration but despise the moments it’s expressed.
Here’s the thing…
I feel like I’m still discovering myself… learning more and more every day, every moment. I keep landing in situations that have me doubting myself; my intelligence, my maturity (oooh, that’s a big one), my very nature. I sometimes feel like giving up, not ending life, but just giving up living. Thankfully, I have people in my life helping me avoid those feelings, helping me destroy those feelings. It is a journey, life, and no I haven’t quite figured myself out yet, but as Joni Mitchell said, “I don’t know who I am, but life is for learning.”