I’m not old, not even close to being old yet, but I do think I’m at an age where I should have my shit together now – should should should – The should world kicks my ass way too often. You have expectations, other people have expectations… things just build until you have this idea, this image, in your head – this is what I’ll be, this is where I’ll end up by [insert whatever age here]. You never even think to insert your insanity into the mix, your tendency to self-sabotage, your lazy and procrastinating nature. These things never make it into the fantasy, why? Not because you’re denying their existence, but because you think you’ll also have worked that out by that magical age, you’ll have figured out how to overcome your past and everything that’s happened, etc etc etc. For some reason, you think these things will automatically happen, you’ll simply hit that age and everything will fix itself. Well, maybe you don’t, but I sure did. What an idiot.
How much time did I waste fantasizing about being better when I should’ve been actually working towards being better? How much time have I wasted obsessing over things I cannot control, I cannot change? How much time have I wasted hiding away, being afraid of getting hurt? I take the safe route, develop safe friendships and relationships… and still get hurt. Why? I can literally feel my mind spinning out of control, ready to crash. Maybe a crash would be better for me, but I resist it. I resist and fight, all the way down. I really am my own worst enemy.
I should be better, I should be doing better, I should be making more money, I should be in a relationship, I should be married, I should have children, I should be more confident, I should be saner – should should should – on and on and on, it never stops. It’s enough to overwhelm someone to the point of paralysis. My own thoughts are like a disease, eating their way through everything that’s good about me.
I just finished watching several films about overcoming life’s obstacles and I have to say, my complaints don’t hold a candle to what many people have to face. We get so caught up in our failures that we often fail to see how we’ve succeeded. Should I be different? Maybe. Should I make more, or be more? Maybe. However, when I think of what could have been in the opposite direction, I suddenly think, “Hey, I’m not too shabby.” I recognize that my should world has actually hindered my progress… because the word “should” already implies failure, defeat. No more should world for me. I will no longer give that word any thought or power. The Should World is transforming into the The Can World, The Will World. Because I can and will…. and because you can and will.