Unrequited Love – What an appropriate topic for the day before Valentine’s Day, huh?
Unrequited love. What a bitch it is, how it eats at us, how it kills our self-worth and our value, how it makes us wish well for someone who doesn’t wish the same for us. People say that loving is more important than being loved. While that may be true, it doesn’t make it easier to handle. It doesn’t ease our pain. It doesn’t help us stop crying when we think of that person with someone else… or even worse, that person alone and feeling lonely, with you there wishing you could bring them the same peace they often bring you. You want so badly to be their answer, to have your words “I love you” actually matter, actually make a difference in how they feel about themselves, to know that your love means something to them, means something at all……… but it doesn’t.
Then you spiral into a mixture of feeling wonderful to know such love, to see such beauty in another… and then the self-hatred hits. You bounce from smiling every time you think of that person… to beating yourself up for falling for someone you knew you couldn’t get. You bounce from loving every moment you share with them… to berating yourself for being so tragically addicted to a situation that’s causing you so much pain. You jump from feeling hopeful that someone someday may love you the way you love this person… to the scolding, for allowing yourself to love so naively. You tell yourself you’re a good person, capable of true love because you’d rather see them happy with someone else than miserable with you. You tell yourself you’re stupid and silly, a ridiculous child with absurd fantasies and unrealistic expectations.
All of this, this dichotomy, these manic jumps from bliss to torture, all of this born of love. Love can indeed hurt.
So how do you survive it? How do you keep from feeling that burn in your chest every time they mention caring about someone else the way you wished they cared about you? How do you keep yourself from obsessing, constantly thinking about them, drowning in tears and the “I wish, I wish, I wish” nonsense? You can’t stay away from them, but you’re reminded of their disinterest every moment. It’s blatant masochism… why do we torture ourselves like this?
The answer is… I don’t have the answer, I’m sorry. For me, what helped was thinking of that thought I referred to earlier… loving is more important than being loved. Somehow, for some reason, knowing that I can love someone so selflessly makes me feel better about my very nature, my humanity. To know that, despite my insisting that I hate people, I am capable of loving some. The unrequited love still kills me, no doubt, but it’s a pain I’d rather suffer when compared with how I’d feel if I wasn’t capable of loving at all.
Love is a bitch, but a necessary one.
Happy Valentine’s Day to the lovers out there!
I hope you love someone selflessly; yesterday, today, and tomorrow.