The Idea Generator told me to write 16 Facts About Bed Skittles That’ll Keep You Up at Night, and since I have no mind for decision-making, I just do what it says, blind faith – after all, it’s the internet, it’s always right… right?
You’re probably wondering what Bed Skittles are… well, they’re exactly what they sound like – Skittles of the Bed. Maybe you didn’t know such a thing existed, maybe you knew but didn’t know it had a name. Fact remains, Bed Skittles are very real and they can truly be your worst nightmare, Freddy Krueger doesn’t hold a candle to these little bastards!
Bed Skittles – Skittles that fall on your bed as you’re munching and are soon lost and/or forgotten, only to be found hours later, maybe days but hopefully not, ugh, you should be ashamed of yourself!
Some of you are probably thinking, “Eww, that’s disgusting. You’re a disgusting little Songbird!” Well, I never said I wasn’t, so that’s on you. I could’ve warned you, sure, but the Idea Generator gave no authorization for such confessions, so you were shit out of luck before you even started reading. My deepest apologies.
- Bed Skittles originally came from a place called Tembel Kılıksız, which loosely translates to “Lazy Slob”.
- The first person to ever see and identify a Bed Skittle was critically acclaimed film cinematographer, Roger Deakins.
- When a Bed Skittle is first born, it’s a pervert, immediately rolling towards cleavage, butt crack, and thigh gap. Watch out ladies, no one wants Snatch Skittles. I refuse to write more on Snatch Skittles as I’m still suffering from PTSD from when my friend was afflicted. My therapist says I’m “coming along”. That’s good, no?
- If you see a Bed Skittle’s shadow, we’ll have double rainbows for two more weeks.
- If you throw a Bed Skittle in the trash, you’ll develop cold sores that can only be cured with seahorse urine. Try to avoid this, that shit’s expensive.
- If you eat a Bed Skittle, you’ll immediately bug out, just like Bug Out Bob. That’s actually what happened to him, not many people know that.
- If you fall asleep with a Bed Skittle under your pillow, you’ll awake to find a mischievous troll at your feet.
- Trittles (Skittle Trolls) are infamous for biting and chewing on the toenails of their victims.
- Trittle drool is the leading cause of athlete’s foot, onychomycosis, halitosis, and dry skin. That’s right folks, these little boogers are not shy and they will get frisky if you don’t get rid of them quickly. You do not want any trungal infections.
- To get rid of a Trittle, you’ll need to bury one Bed Skittle of every color in your front yard, under a full moon, while naked and singing 99 Red Balloons.
- If done incorrectly (ie. backyard, not full moon, missing a color, wrong words, etc.), the Trittle will leave your feet to lick your temples every night as you sleep.
- Nicolas Cage and Gary Busey have been plagued with Trittles for years, now you finally know what really happened to them!
- Many other celebrities have defeated Trittles, such as Neil Patrick Harris, Dave Grohl, and Robert Downey Jr.
- Bed Skittles are responsible for the last season of Dexter.
- The Bed Skittle Massacre of 1998 is the worst recorded Skittle tragedy, killing 27 and wounding 42… Skittles.
- Betty White is currently the largest single contributor to the Bed Skittle Relief Fund, also known as the BS Relief Fund. Click to Donate!
So here I am, burdened with the psychological weight of having revealed these 16 Facts that will undoubtedly keep you up, night after night, in fear, in disgust… or maybe in sadness, grieving the IQ points you just lost by reading this ridiculous masterpiece. You decide and let me know.
Also, please comment to share any Bed Skittle Facts I neglected to mention, because knowledge is power! KEEP CALM AND FIGHT BS!