Every year end, without fail, I bitch and moan about how the year wasn’t what I expected or wanted and how much better I plan to make the following year. I know I do this, yet it never stops… much like a nervous tick or when you can’t stop tonguing that sore in your mouth. Mistakes and regrets, flaws and weakness – Why can’t I get my shit together?
I tend to make the same mistake again and again… I trust when I shouldn’t. It takes me longer than usual to trust in the first place… so to have them work so hard to push and push their way in, only to deceive me, I find myself wondering why I even bother trying at all. Is it hope? Is it naiveté? Do I think better of humanity than I realize? All of the above?
I experienced two powerful losses this year. I lost a long time friend, and not even for a good reason. I tried to explain that the person he was liking wasn’t who she claimed to be and he didn’t want to hear it. I got tossed. I lost a… I don’t know what to call him. He wasn’t my boyfriend, but very close to that. I fell for him but he “left” me for someone else. These were very earth-shattering moments for me, shaking me to my core, wounding an already wounded bird. Flying again seemed impossible.
The saddest part is that because of what those people did to me, the thought of someone new coming into my life terrifies me. I remember when I first started talking to the person who I now consider to be my best friend. He was so trusting and open right from the start, it inspired me to reciprocate. However, every time I did, I felt a stabbing pain in my gut immediately, afraid that I had just shown too much, trusted him with more than I should have, revealed a part of myself that I feared would be shared with others and mocked. Thankfully, he was and is legit… he actually is trustworthy. What a loss that would’ve been if I’d listened to my idiotic doubts and pushed him away. That friendship is one good thing to come out of 2014.
So while I didn’t think I could…
I did fly again. I have. While they did feel like terrible losses, did I really lose anything? Do I want to be friends with someone who abandons their friends for crushes on bullies? Do I want to be with someone who can ditch one person for another without a second thought, without the decency to even tell them they’re leaving them? Of course not. And what helped me through this? My real friends. I’ve also been lucky enough to make some new friends… friendships born from the sludge of an ugly occurrence, ironically enough. Another good thing about 2014.
So what is this?
It’s not a whiny “woe is me” story, but it’s not a happy-go-lucky “life is good” story either.
It’s real life… good things happen, bad things happen.
You can’t dismiss any of them, they all make up a year, a person, a life.
It was a rough one, true, but…
I think I laughed more this year than in any year before it.
I can’t hate that.